Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Movie Review: Behemoth

Oscar and I went to rent a few movies yesterday and as we were flipping through the "recently rented" pile I saw a gold mine: "Behemoth".  The cover is a picture of a monster and a blonde girl screaming.  The back raved of a tale of the giant monster who embodies the entire planet.  It wakes up after some earthquakes and it's only purpose is to destroy the world!!

We did rent it, but Oscar refused to watch it with me.  It is, of course, a horrible movie that had me laughing the entire time.  I wrote down some of my favorite dialogue and action scenes of the movie.  I won't be giving much context, because even in context none of it made any sense.  They are in chronological order.  Perhaps you can figure out the entire movie by just these few quotes.

  • Rugged Man: "Get headquarters on the phone and find out what happened.  And don't take earthquake as an answer!"
  • Scene- A tree falls on a man's leg.  The man then dies.
  • Scene- A crazy grandpa has a wall full of pictures of volcanoes and monsters.
  • Woman Scientist: "What would you do if I told you there were dead squirrels at my feet?!"
  • Crazy Grandpa (who ends up being right): From the depths ascends a creature with only one purpose-- destroy humanity!"
  • Woman scientist: "Evacuate the entire city and you'll have saved hundreds of lives!"  
  • Scene- The sherif of the town gives the evacuation notice to about 20 people over a loud speaker in the street.  (Maybe there really are only 100 people living in the city...)
  • Scene- Government worker gets hit by monster tentacle.  Government worker dies while uttering these words "get the.. case, get the... case... weapon... inside!"
  • Daughter of crazy grandpa: "My dad was right!  He said a monster was going to destroy the world but I thought he was just crazy!"
  • Crazy grandpa: "It's here."  Diner worker: "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!"
  • Woman Scientist: "We have to get out of here!"  Rugged Man: "But what if Jack was right?"  Woman scientist: "Then we have to leave!"  Rugged man: "What if that's the only thing that stops it?"  Woman scientist: "It doesn't matter!"  Rugged man: "What if it does?" *intense stare*
  • Scene- Rugged man and woman scientist find the case.  Rugged man tries to throw the case up to the scientist woman.  Scientist woman drops it and it almost falls off a cliff.  Rugged man throws case up again and this time scientist woman catches the case.  RELIEF!  Turns out the case has straps like a backpack.  Why did he need to throw it?
  • Rugged man to Scientist Woman: "I need to figure out how to fire the weapon, you start the chopper!"
  • Rugged man to case with weapon: "Please be simple... please be simple..."
If you're still dying to know how the movie ended, the trailer is a great 1 minute 30 second overview of everything important that happens.  Including some interesting tid-bits on volcanoes (never mentioned in the movie) and also how it ends.

You might want to check the actual YouTube site as well.  The comments are hilarious.  My favorites are:

"What's in that rocket?  MORE ROCKETS!  Bet you didn't see that coming!"
"Ok rockets kill the monster.  Now we know the end of the movie."
"There are 4 types of volcanoes, and the 4th kind is.... a monster?"

PS- The part of the trailer that says "A MASSACRE" is a bit of an overstatement.  One person dies.